It’s worth being easy to talk to, and to be with, and to work with. We all know that. The benefits are huge, both for you and for others. But, not very many people are good communicators. 

When we connect or ‘click’ with someone, it feels wonderful because our brains have evolved to crave these types of conversation. It allows us to feel recognised, valued, respected and included. For a long time, it was essential for survival. In ancient times, being excluded from the tribe or group meant almost certain death, usually through starvation. 

You would expect that we would all have mastered this by now. But, we haven’t. The reasons are myriad and complex.  

However, it is worth understanding the concept of ‘neural entrainment’. A scientist named Sievers* conducted research where he scanned the activity in people’s brains while they did things like watch a movie or have a conversation. He saw that people who were good at ‘connecting’ were able to easily achieve a state of neural entrainment with others. Neural entrainment occurs when people’s neural impulses align with others. In other words, their brain activity closely matches those who they are talking to. He called those who were good at achieving this, not only one-to-one, but with a group of people, ‘Supercommunicators’. He also noted that these Supercommunicators were liked more and importantly, they had much more influence on group cohesion and on the thinking of the group. Another thing he found, was that Supercommunicators are not the loudest/funniest/most intelligent or even the most dominant in the group.   

There are clearly benefits to being a Supercommunicator. They have many more and much better relationships; are more likely to be elected to leadership roles; have the most influence and seem to lead the most successful teams. 

So, what do Supercommunicators do differently? They: 

• Asked the most questions, 10-20 times as many and listen carefully to the answers 

• Worked out what conversations people want to have and have those conversations: 

• Decision-making – solve a problem 

• Practical – find a solution 

• Emotional – deepen the relationship, share feelings, gain support, show understanding and empathy 

• Social – the desire to belong and have an enjoyable time 

• Made their own goals clear and asked others what their goals were for the conversation (where appropriate) 

• Matched others’ moods and constantly shifted to do so and were able to match conversational styles e.g. laugh when other people laugh  

• Shared and made their feelings clear. 

These differentiators require you to think about the conversations you are having, listen carefully and watch the other person for clues. But, it is worth mastering and has particular benefits for leaders or those aspiring to leadership roles. 

Author: Debbie Dudley

Read more about our work with leaders: Partner Development Dashboard – Openside partner development programme

*Sievers 2010 reported in ‘Supercommunicators’ by Charles Duhigg